Wrestling

11-22-14 Wrestiling with something massive

Is there anything left to look forward to?

In my 20’s, i was absolutely positive that I would change the world. I would see the nations, i would see dead men come back to life, blind eyes opened and i would make sure my children were a part of this mayhem. I knew i would be a wife, i knew i would be a mother.

No image ever contained just a desk.

I believed without shame in God’s hugeness, wild ability, and insane love. I believed i really was standing on a rock in the middle of that ocean of love, with wave after wave crashing on me, while i stood laughing, surrounded and completely unbroken by His all. I would be a world changer, a fire starter…all of those roles that are prayed over a person in charismatic circles.

In all honesty, i believe these things still. I just feel a bit of shame now. I’ve seen the world and what it contains; soul and dream crushing realities. I know God is bigger than what is in this world. I know that with Him, i am bigger than it too. But i can’t feel it anymore.

I wonder if our 20’s are for shamelessness, and our 30’s are for fear?

Was i cripplingly wrong about myself and the future i imagined, prayed for, fought for, dreamt of and believed in?

This isn’t anything that can be answered. I think it’s just a demon (or a demon and a few of his friends) that needs to be faced. NOW. Before another day passes at the desk i resent with all my heart.

I hope that what i end up being wrong about is this fear. I want hope back. I want naiivete back. I want fearlessness and silliness back. I want to go boldly into unknown parts of this earth and see gates thrown open…to Jesus and me.

I have dreamt of gates in the middle east opening. I have dreamt of finding Jesus there. He was simple and glorious, and he just loved.

Is this wrestling all for a mission that must be recovered? I hope it is.

As i march on, with trembling, further into life, will i get to recover that former glory? Will this episode turn into a blip on the radar that brought about greater humility and taught me to be more shameless than i would have ever imagined 10 years ago? I hope that is the future. I hope it doesn’t take another ten years to realize this season is a different level of that untamed life i long to live.